The (Mis*)adventures of Miss Mallory Deane

Laying in bed, listening to the rain. If you weren’t so foolish you’d be listening here with me. Truly intrigued or interest feign. I’m to blame if you fool me again. Shame on me. Shame.

Anyone out there have a “Now it’s a party!” gif of Bradley Cooper from A-Team?

It’s not necessarily the city itself that irritates me. It’s their unwavering and incorrigible belief that they are somehow the most superior city in Pennsylvania. Well, I have news for you Philly, you are not. Philly is like the O’Doyle family from Billy Madison…until their stupidity, ignorance, and douchbaggery drives them (literally) off of a cliff. They also just so happen to have the same red hair as Giroux and Hartnell. What a coincidence…hmm.

Ultimately, Philadelphia is insanely aggravating because they think that they’re the best thing to hit the scene since sliced bread. You’re like the Kanye of PA. People think Kanye is super cool but then he has one too many cocktails, shows up and ruins the party. He also sits alone in his house and listens to his own music. Awesome.

What’s wonderful about Pittsburgh is that we’re small but incredibly proud. We continue to prove ourselves as forces to be reckoned with. Philly rides on New York City’s coat tails. “Yea, we’re two hours away. We hang out on weekends and shit…NBD.” Sorry Philly, you are not cool by association. This simply makes you look like more of a tool. How fitting that all of your hockey players are, in fact, tools. Keep Talbot. He fits in perfectly with your goony and annoyingly orange team.

So, as Letang so appropriately satired in game three, “Shhhhhhh.”

My fellow Pens fans,

Let us not sulk in this time of uncertainty. Our team needs us now more than ever. How can we but lowly, adoring fans help these men you may ask? I will tell you how: send out the good mojo. Be not discouraged! Albeit, that last game was a rough one to watch, to say the least, but there is still a lot of hockey to be played, my friends. I encourage you all to reflect on this statement in the coming hours, “I don’t believe in miracles. I believe in Pittsburgh.”

Mario be with us.

-Mallory-

P.S. PHUCK PHILLY.

Women of New York City,

How many times have you had to squeeze between two men on the train just to get a seat because they’re sitting with their legs spread so far apart that the subway car itself could feasibly pass through? The answer I’m looking for is: too many.

Ladies, I implore you, please do not let men get away with this injustice. Do the same right back. It matters not whether you’re wearing pants or a skirt. Put your bag between your legs so no one sneaks a peek at your undies. Let them know who’s boss.

Let’s be real, their dick is not THAT big…the wider they sit, the more that they are compensating.

Try it. It feels great.

Imploringly yours,

Mallory Deane